I am tired of giving up and I am tired of trying again and again.
I have tried everything. I have read numerous self-help books. I have read about so many new techniques (Mindful meditation/self-talk/gratitude habit/cornerstore habit(power of habit) even the secret (Phew!)) and so many systems that would make me less lazy and more productive and be the man I could be rather than this whimsical, compulsive bot that I am now. I have spent countless hours watching TED talks, psuedo-psychological babble and motivation videos from the likes of Tony Robbins. I have even tried giving up on self improvement and resigning myself to mediocrity and making my peace with the fact that I am an undisciplined wreck not destined to achieve my potential. But time and again, I become obsessed with self-improvement. I think this basic conflict exists for every individual to some extent but people with better self-discipline win more times than I do when it comes to conquering your baser self that hates self-discipline and nurturing the creative/productive side of you that wants you to become better at everything you do and lead a good life. Note that none of the books or techniques I mentioned are actually bad - I am sure most of them work but the problem is with 'Why?'.
Let me explain.
Changing human behavior especially when you are an adult is one of the hardest things you can do - our brain creates habits (including the bad ones that make you lazy and unproductive) to avoid thinking and spending energy making decisions on a minute to minute basis. They are somewhat of neural shortcuts. You brain knows that, irrespective of your mood, once you switch on your TV series, you will phase out and relax and reach a state of vegetable happiness. That habit has been reinforced a zillion times and it is now instinctive. Have you realized that sometimes you hardly even remember when you sat down and switched on tv or started looking at FB etc., It becomes an autopilot operation. Undoing this to introduce a new habit like going for a run or focusing on learning new technology or doing an online course are all going to be really hard.
Different people might have very different ideas of what constitutes a good life. I am sure there are people who might look at what I have and consider that a very good life. Indeed, this quest of mine has nothing to do with material possessions or achievements (of which I don't have anything major but do have some minor ones I am proud of). But this is more about being and living as the same person. I don't know if it makes sense but many of us live double lives. where one part of us wants us to improve, work hard, achieve goals and self-actualize. But the other part, the instant gratification monkey, wants us to sit in front of tv and phase out watching hours of TV series (sometimes the same series over and over again) or read countless articles on Quora or watch unlimited photos/ articles shared on facebook or whatever is your instant gratification drug of choice. This monkey wants you to eat your most favorite food by buying from outside while learning to cook/cooking every day would be so much healthier and help you save money. This constant conflict actually metamorphosizes into other problems in life, career, relationships.
Your conscious self, the one that wants to improve (let's call him Goodyboy) thinks clearly and when he is active, he takes a logical approach to life. He knows that for improving your health and fitness all you have to do is wake up at 6:30 and go for a jog. He tries to put that on your calendar and keep a recurring alarm and even tries to keep your shoes ready and by the bedside (he knows the compulsive, lazy guy (let's just call him LazyGuy will try to sabotage the plan). He looks into the future and is able to see that with just one month of regular practice, this behavior would become a habit when it no longer is a point of pain or contention. He is proud of himself as you fall asleep - he has worked out all the potential things that can go wrong and has even kept a shot of RedBull close by to get a energy boost to wake up.
But when the alarm goes off, LazyBoy wakes up with his impeccable rationalizing. He doesn't tell you that let's not get up -we are lazy- he knows you don't like the idea. Instead he reminds you that you were woken up couple of times in the middle of the night due to random disturbances. He tells you that you deserve to sleep a little longer. He convinces you that if you don't do that, you would be sleepy all day at work. He uses GoodyBoy's hard work against him. LazyBoy appeals to your sense of duty and desire to do well against you! All the planning GoodyBoy did goes to vain as you snooze or switch off alarm and fitness/running remains a goal 'you will get to someday'. The same happens with every other goal you have which you don't constitute your view of 'absolutely necessary'.
But why? The answer is in the question. The reason is in the 'Why?'. If the reason that you want to change behavior is strong, if it creates a huge stir within you, your determination can actually crush the instant gratification monkey. Usually fear and desire are the two motivators for anything you do. If the reason you want to change or achieve something or create a new habit resonates with a big fear or huge desire that you have, it has better chance of working. Most of us only day dream about improving ourselves and the goals are nothing but just 'good to have' things we *think* we want. But our actions clearly show we don't want them that badly. So, one 'technique' that I am about to try is to focus on the 'Why?' Each of us, if you have lived long enough, would have had some phase in life when we had a huge reason that spurred us to action. Maybe you worked harder than you ever have or changed your behavior in ways you never thought possible. Remind yourself of what the reason was in those times. Do not focus on the exact circumstance (like maybe you had failed a year in school and people ridiculed or insulted you) but the emotion (desire to prove yourself/fear of being seen as a lazy loser). Fix a deadline in your mind for the goal (Do not make it too much into the future - for eg., mine is November 8, 2016). And start working your ass off for the goal - remove every possible distraction or circumstance that might tempt you to give up and go back to your old routine - for instance, I am removing Netflix, keeping TV in storage, removing youtube/quora/whatsapp and all other distracting apps from my phone. The reason is simple, though your goal might not be related to any of these distractors - the mere reinforcement of this endless instant gratification habit (getting pleasure instantly from indulging in these distractors) would make you less able to focus on your actual goals.
Focus on doing things towards the goal than finding the perfect technique to achieve it - action takes you so much farther than information. I will use this blog to update with my successes and failures on this journey. If you are interested in doing something similar for whatever goals you have, share them in comments :) Happy self-actualizing.
I have tried everything. I have read numerous self-help books. I have read about so many new techniques (Mindful meditation/self-talk/gratitude habit/cornerstore habit(power of habit) even the secret (Phew!)) and so many systems that would make me less lazy and more productive and be the man I could be rather than this whimsical, compulsive bot that I am now. I have spent countless hours watching TED talks, psuedo-psychological babble and motivation videos from the likes of Tony Robbins. I have even tried giving up on self improvement and resigning myself to mediocrity and making my peace with the fact that I am an undisciplined wreck not destined to achieve my potential. But time and again, I become obsessed with self-improvement. I think this basic conflict exists for every individual to some extent but people with better self-discipline win more times than I do when it comes to conquering your baser self that hates self-discipline and nurturing the creative/productive side of you that wants you to become better at everything you do and lead a good life. Note that none of the books or techniques I mentioned are actually bad - I am sure most of them work but the problem is with 'Why?'.
Let me explain.
Changing human behavior especially when you are an adult is one of the hardest things you can do - our brain creates habits (including the bad ones that make you lazy and unproductive) to avoid thinking and spending energy making decisions on a minute to minute basis. They are somewhat of neural shortcuts. You brain knows that, irrespective of your mood, once you switch on your TV series, you will phase out and relax and reach a state of vegetable happiness. That habit has been reinforced a zillion times and it is now instinctive. Have you realized that sometimes you hardly even remember when you sat down and switched on tv or started looking at FB etc., It becomes an autopilot operation. Undoing this to introduce a new habit like going for a run or focusing on learning new technology or doing an online course are all going to be really hard.
Different people might have very different ideas of what constitutes a good life. I am sure there are people who might look at what I have and consider that a very good life. Indeed, this quest of mine has nothing to do with material possessions or achievements (of which I don't have anything major but do have some minor ones I am proud of). But this is more about being and living as the same person. I don't know if it makes sense but many of us live double lives. where one part of us wants us to improve, work hard, achieve goals and self-actualize. But the other part, the instant gratification monkey, wants us to sit in front of tv and phase out watching hours of TV series (sometimes the same series over and over again) or read countless articles on Quora or watch unlimited photos/ articles shared on facebook or whatever is your instant gratification drug of choice. This monkey wants you to eat your most favorite food by buying from outside while learning to cook/cooking every day would be so much healthier and help you save money. This constant conflict actually metamorphosizes into other problems in life, career, relationships.
Your conscious self, the one that wants to improve (let's call him Goodyboy) thinks clearly and when he is active, he takes a logical approach to life. He knows that for improving your health and fitness all you have to do is wake up at 6:30 and go for a jog. He tries to put that on your calendar and keep a recurring alarm and even tries to keep your shoes ready and by the bedside (he knows the compulsive, lazy guy (let's just call him LazyGuy will try to sabotage the plan). He looks into the future and is able to see that with just one month of regular practice, this behavior would become a habit when it no longer is a point of pain or contention. He is proud of himself as you fall asleep - he has worked out all the potential things that can go wrong and has even kept a shot of RedBull close by to get a energy boost to wake up.
But when the alarm goes off, LazyBoy wakes up with his impeccable rationalizing. He doesn't tell you that let's not get up -we are lazy- he knows you don't like the idea. Instead he reminds you that you were woken up couple of times in the middle of the night due to random disturbances. He tells you that you deserve to sleep a little longer. He convinces you that if you don't do that, you would be sleepy all day at work. He uses GoodyBoy's hard work against him. LazyBoy appeals to your sense of duty and desire to do well against you! All the planning GoodyBoy did goes to vain as you snooze or switch off alarm and fitness/running remains a goal 'you will get to someday'. The same happens with every other goal you have which you don't constitute your view of 'absolutely necessary'.
But why? The answer is in the question. The reason is in the 'Why?'. If the reason that you want to change behavior is strong, if it creates a huge stir within you, your determination can actually crush the instant gratification monkey. Usually fear and desire are the two motivators for anything you do. If the reason you want to change or achieve something or create a new habit resonates with a big fear or huge desire that you have, it has better chance of working. Most of us only day dream about improving ourselves and the goals are nothing but just 'good to have' things we *think* we want. But our actions clearly show we don't want them that badly. So, one 'technique' that I am about to try is to focus on the 'Why?' Each of us, if you have lived long enough, would have had some phase in life when we had a huge reason that spurred us to action. Maybe you worked harder than you ever have or changed your behavior in ways you never thought possible. Remind yourself of what the reason was in those times. Do not focus on the exact circumstance (like maybe you had failed a year in school and people ridiculed or insulted you) but the emotion (desire to prove yourself/fear of being seen as a lazy loser). Fix a deadline in your mind for the goal (Do not make it too much into the future - for eg., mine is November 8, 2016). And start working your ass off for the goal - remove every possible distraction or circumstance that might tempt you to give up and go back to your old routine - for instance, I am removing Netflix, keeping TV in storage, removing youtube/quora/whatsapp and all other distracting apps from my phone. The reason is simple, though your goal might not be related to any of these distractors - the mere reinforcement of this endless instant gratification habit (getting pleasure instantly from indulging in these distractors) would make you less able to focus on your actual goals.
Focus on doing things towards the goal than finding the perfect technique to achieve it - action takes you so much farther than information. I will use this blog to update with my successes and failures on this journey. If you are interested in doing something similar for whatever goals you have, share them in comments :) Happy self-actualizing.
